My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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