I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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