Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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