Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
