Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
