her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
