I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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