Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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