he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
