I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
