can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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