he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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