And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
