I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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