I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
