i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
