i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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