I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
tell me about the eggs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
