Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
