I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
