I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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