I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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