hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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