Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize