I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
