cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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