The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
