Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
