there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
