hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
