I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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