I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
