He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
