maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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