I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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