i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
