He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
