If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
