Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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