From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
