I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
