dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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