oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
