If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
