My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
