theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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