May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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