I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
