someone threw a dead crab at me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
