My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
