no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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