matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
