Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize