Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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