Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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