WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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