may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
