my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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