Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
