I wish I only lived at night.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize